Oblivion Paradigm X

ob·liv·i·on :
noun

1. The state of something that is not remembered or used or thought about anymore.

2. The state of being unaware or unconscious.

3. The state of being completely annihilated.

Life isn’t simple. The love of simplicity is an escapist drug. An anti life attitude.

From Tom Robbins “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues”.

Grossly under stimulated.

I’m just not that kind of girl. I don’t like to cook, I’m not into constant companionship, I don’t like sharing anything let alone everything. Settling into domestic bliss has done little but launch a spiralling depression. This unsettling and near constant feeling is relieved only by periodic episodes of free time. More than not, I find myself lost in escapist fantasies with interludes of panic similar to claustrophobia. I wish I could be more interested, I wish I could feign interest but o can’t.

amockuniverse:

Consumed in thoughts of you.

I am struggling to write anything of substance these days. It’s like I have been emotionally or creatively castrated.
I think I’m depressed.

I’m not really depressed though, just lazy and unmotivated. Oh yah and apathetic.

I just need a little time is all.

I just naturally have an attraction to very bad men. Men that do reckless and offensive things. Men that I know can give me nothing more than a good time. The problem is that sometimes, well most times I just want to have fun. I want to feel where the limit is, feel excitement, life is an adventure.
So here I am staring into him and there is something I actually love about him. His gross, grimey dirty self. And for some reason I have a little bit of an emotional attachment. Even though I don’t find him attractive, necessarily, I find myself wanting to give him a good time back.

It’s dangerous the way I see you in him. Your voice when I call his number. Your eyes where his are. But he isn’t you. He doesn’t fuck like you. He doesn’t feel like you. I called him your name, not just your first name. Your whole name. I whispered into the sky, I love you … I love you… I love you.

I saw you happy once. Happy like I hadn’t ever seen you before. Your back pressed against the wall, cigarette in your hand. I watched you, as smoke trailed out the window and swirled away in the wind. You were talking, the way you do and I was adoring you the way I do, when you looked up and you were just beaming! You smiled and you lit up in a way I can’t commit to words. The room glowed, my heart glowed. Your was so hair wild. In that moment, I loved you the most I have ever loved another person in all of my life.

Seek oblivion if only to exist…..

In a sense, it always comes back to seeking purpose. Naturally I am nothing short of a Nihilist, making the disparaging apathy hard to shake.

That being said on a more conscious level I have an overwhelming desire to seek my own purpose. To have a journey to complete. My soul feels tired and worn out though. I tell myself, as I always do, seek oblivion if only to exist. By which, of course, I mean to be present and exist fully in each moment, even those that are destructive or pointless.

I’m trying though, to allow my purpose to be myself, to be strong and independent. My purpose here is to enrich my life and my moments with self appreciation, love and happiness. My purpose here is independent of anyone else here on this earth. How I choose to enrich my life is mine and mine alone. I choose. Always.

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